What? Why..?? I’ve only submitted 4 posts via weekly challenges and just started (this month) connecting and having a sense of community through blogging. I haven’t had enough time nor posts to have all-time favorites! But as they say, all things come to an end. So THANK YOU, WPC. The challenges have helped me bounce back and start blogging again. It was a good albeit (too) short boost for action; quick shots of inspiration when I needed them.
When I was younger and naïve, at the (un)ripe age of 9, I planned the next 10-15 years of my life. I’m glad it’s taken on all sorts of beautiful twists since then and needless to say, not according to plan.
On the surface, she looks like any well-adjusted, well-educated woman in her 30s, ready to take on the world and achieve her dreams. She easily offers a quick smile with a spark in her eyes. Sometimes, when you get a glimpse of it, she exudes an air of mystery, ever so slightly and briefly, when she tilts her head to the side while thinking, or observing something or someone.
You wouldn’t know just by looking at her what she’s been through to be able to give warmth to others. She had to grow up quickly, at a tender age, when her parents separated ways. She had to take on abuse–verbal, physical and emotional–and not know any better until she was old enough to process everything, the should and should-nots, what had happened and its aftermath. She had to bring some semblance of normalcy to her family or what’s left of it, serve as a lynchpin, to what would otherwise be a badly broken and dysfunctional unit. She had to learn to forgive, let go and not give in to bitterness, and eventually love, which was tough for someone who had absentee parents, emotionally unavailable and punitive guardians, and unreliable relatives. Her friends never knew any of this; for a long time, she put up a wall for self-preservation, not letting anyone get close enough to hurt her. She exuded ‘maturity’ at a young age, learned to live and fend for herself, and give of herself, sometimes a bit too much, to her family, the needy, the unwanted in her community.
But inside she’s about to explode, like a ticking time bomb, if neither defused or dismantled. What she didn’t yet know about herself, she later realized, could hurt her and others around her, if left unaddressed in the light under the sun. It’s an extraction that will leave her vulnerable and weak, yet a necessary operation.
A hard life calls for courage in taking the bad out, not just to leave the good things at the core but to replace the bad and heavy, with new and better things, so that sooner or later, there can be a lightness to one’s footsteps, a considerable weight off the shoulders. Like a brand new lease on life.
It used to be any quiet beach; calm but not dead. I would lie down on this natural water bed without a care in the world.
Lately though, the mountains call to me. I can recalibrate and feel at peace at just the sight of green mountains (or white, if winter) and be in awe. A water beside it seals the deal for me.
But as a city girl, having lived in the city all my life, I never thought I’d love being in any city until I’ve been to Japan. And I was smitten by this city with a soul, or at least personality. Or dare I say, identity?
As much as possible she wanted to keep the peace, to stay out of trouble. She kept her head down, tried not to ruffle feathers, while keeping her wits about her. Oh she has causes she supports, but chose to work with authorities as best she can. She loved to go out in the world, yet her own world she kept small and safe, away from prying eyes.
But fate has a way of playing tricks on people on the verge of change. And around her things start to unravel. Just as she was getting more successful and courageous, people started talking, around her, about her. Undermining her strengths, her worth, they spread rumors, imagined slights, petty issues of people caught up in the crab bucket effect. Until she knew she had to go. Up and leave. In her openness and indiscrimination, her small world was infiltrated by the unscrupulous, the bigots, the small people. People she allowed to gain authority in her life. Her growth, identity was on the line. She needed to crawl out of that place growing darker, smaller by the minute. She had to.
And she DID. She rebuilt her world from scratch, embraced her strengths and seized her opportunities, those she hesitated to take before. In the process, she was gifted with people, friends of her choosing. And other people came into her life, chose to stay, to matter, and she matters to them, too.
I blog about life as an Autistic female with Bipolar 2, giving parenting & marriage my best shot. I am a passionate Advocate for Autism & Mental Health. I'll make you laugh & cry. And I promise you the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth.